The worst of times

You know the moment that comes when you think it can't get any worse, and then it does and you don't know what to do? Yeah....that has been happening a lot in the past couple of months. It is like Satan just KNOWS I am trying to be a better person and he wants to grasp at every little joy that I can experience. In fact, I know that is what he's doing. He wants to make every body miserable. I HATE that. Life has been so crazy. I became a mom of two in just a very short year and a half. I love my kids. I just wonder why Heavenly Father thought I could do this. I sometimes feel so alone. I get out sometimes but its not enough. My relationship with my husband is almost non-existent. WE cant really go on dates right now because frankly, I don't trust my mother-in-law. She is pretty much the only one that is able to watch Lilly right now but I am not letting her babysit my kids under ANY circumstance. I just cant bring myself to forgive her for what she did to me while Zack was in the NICU yet. It will probably take years. I will never have another baby if I don't have MY mom or my sisters with me because I know he/she will be born prematurely. I can't go through what I went through with Zack with just my mother-in-law again. I know that my family will support me and my decisions unconditionally whether they agree with them or not because they love me. They know that my baby is MY baby and that I am his or her mother so I get to make the decisions regarding their feedings and diaper changes and whom I choose to let hold them and that I don't have to have an explanation for it.
On a slightly different note,
I really would like to MOVE!!! I NEED to move. I LOVE my father-in-law and my brother-in-law, but I can't STAND my mother-in-law, or my sister-in-law and her good- for- nothing- husband who knocked her up to avoid going on a mission. I could go on and on about my sister-in-laws husband and family but I will save that for another horrible post when I feel like ranting about them like they are special. (I know it sounds mean, but trust me when I say that they are horrible people.) I mean my sister-in-law is not so bad. She just isn't in her right mind all the time. She was adopted when she was eight and had a lot of bad things happen to her before that so it's not her fault. She is the best she can be. She is a couple months older than me and acts like she is 13 at times. This is a reason I am hesitant when she holds my kids because even though she has a kid of her own (now 2 1/2) she doesn't really know how to take care of one. For example, my father-in-law watched Connor (my nephew) while my mother-in-law and Shauna were at some relief society retreat and he picked Connor up right before they left for the retreat and his diaper was clear down to his feet hanging by a couple of small threads. He must have peed in it five or six times!  (Right now I'll just put it simply that my mother-in-law is Connors other mother to prevent things like this happening all the time which is why I think she thinks a normal Grandparent-grandchild relationship is when she constantly has the right to see my children whenever she wants to regardless of my plans or if they are sick or taking a nap. I really do hate it when my in-laws get depressed because they don't see my kids after a week and a day. It's like they think that it's normal for them to see them everyday. And when they don't they blame it on me and have the audacity to say that I don't ever let them see them. I think EVERY SUNDAY for dinner is a lot. Especially when I don't feel well and my husband doesn't have my back or have the balls to say no to his mother once in a while. WHEW!)

 I do have a really great life. I have a house, and a car, and tv, internet, a bed and all the things my kids need. However, living paycheck to paycheck is not really ideal. We sometimes can't go grocery shopping until the next paycheck comes. This is going to NEED to change as the kids get older. I can stand not to eat three meals a day, but my kids can't. I am NOT saying we don't make enough money and I'm NOT saying that we don't have food to make because we really do. I just like to cook for other people who need it more than we do.
 I would LOVE to get a job! If Heavenly Father had not sent my sweet baby boy down to me I would be able to go back to school full time and get my degree so much faster. However, I really enjoy being a stay-at-home mom. I love watching Lilly and Zack grow. (Lilly is now 13 months and Zack will be three months tomorrow.) I know that this is the time to cherish and love because it goes by so quickly. I really want to go to school to complete at least a two year degree to become a pharmaceutical technician. I already have all of the prerequisites done and I think I would do an awesome job at it.  But for now I will keep my mouth shut about my dreams for a little bit while I do mother dream job of being a mom and I will enjoy my time at home as much as I can.

It would be a lot easier with friends and my family around. I need people to trust with out having a contingency or an obligation or feeling like I owe someone something that is clearly not mine to give or what is actually mine to keep. This is one of the major reasons why I MUST move. My husband doesn't understand. What husband does? He is perfectly content establishing ourselves in Nacogdoches, Texas till the day we die (knock on wood). I however will die inside if this happens. Okay I know that's really dramatic but I swear I will not be happy.
 Since I was nine I grew up in a small town with a local grocery store, pharmacy, and a park (that was full of druggies). I traveled 45 minutes one-way to get to any kind of civilization. I am so done being trapped. At least I feel trapped. When I move it will take no more than 10 minutes to get to the store and less than an hour to get to the temple. I will also get to make friends that wont refer to me as "Christopher's Wife" or "part of the Windham Clan". I don't mind being a Windham, but I am MELANIE (hear me roar!) I have my own thoughts and feelings and ways of thinking and doing things. I'm tired of being classified as a "weird California girl that Christopher met through some one (of coarse that's you Christiana!) at BYU-I-DO". I want to be known as the cool stay-at-home mom of two really smart, handsome/beautiful children under the age of two that cooks really good great casseroles and bakes amazing desserts, rock's the sewing machine, keeps the house nice and spotless (at least in the common areas lol.) and does really amazing crafts, and has an amazing body she got from doing Zumba classes, and is really spiritual and has a great testimony. (Those are all qualities that I am working towards. :-})  I WANT people to know me and that will be there for me, and lift me up. If your thinking, "Well, you just haven't tried Melanie." Well I HAVE! When you keep on instigating and inviting yourself to things (you first of all look really desperate) you just get TIRED. A relationship takes work from both people and if only one is picking up the slack all the time, the relationship is failed. I want to be friends with people who want to be my friend! I want people to text me and ask how I'm doing. For someone who has unlimited texting and could win at a World Texting Championship, I get about two texts a week and those are usually from my husband from the next room over asking me to make him something to eat without yelling across the house and waking up Lilly (and Zack if he isn't attached to my boob.) How sad is that?
Anyway, I feel a lot better getting some of my emotions down. I would have just talked to my sister about it but no one would answer their phone. (That's okay. I know you have a life.)

My kids are the cutest thing EVER though.

Lilly in the middle of Laughing

She was wondering what the heck I was doing

Lilly LOVES kissing her brother.

Zack gave her one back for the first time! (Glad I got that on the camera...although I think he was just hungry.)

Lilly is just sooo fascinated with Zack.

She loves kisses from anyone.

I know this picture is over-exposed, but look at those huge lips!

Lilly learned to close her eyes when I held up the camera because of the flash. (Yes I know she's a mess. It was right before I got her ready for bed and she was eating goldfish.)

Two months

Three months!

A proud daddy.

Lilly's first time in the pool! (I know it's sad that it wasn't till she was a year old but things got crazy during the past year.)

One Month

His eyes are so blue and his hair is so red!

I love how Lilly was totally being a "photo bomber".

She loves those rings. (She really loves hitting her favorite play toy.)

My Big Boy!  

Those are my kids. I really need to take a photo of me with the two of them and of our whole family. And Zack's three month photo's. (Note: PLEASE don't post these to Facebook. I don't want my mother-in-law to re-post them and take credit for them like she has been doing. Thanks. :-}

Sorry for sounding so bitter about my mother-in-law, but she really hurt me and no one will understand what it feels like.
Anyway,
That is how my life is right now. More posts to come. :-)