Baby Blues

Well, I think I really fail at writing journals and keeping a record of personal and family accomplishments. Last week I gave a lesson to my Beehives about personal record keeping and it lead me to think about everything that has happened in my life in the past two years and that I have not written down over half of the major life-changing events. I'll do my best to put down all that I can think about, but I can't promise that I will write down everything.

First of all, I did write about Lilly and her birth story but I want to write more about her and how she is getting bigger and is growing up so fast. Lilly is now about a week shy of 10 months and is 29 1/2 inches and 16.4 pounds. She has two teeth and is crawling backwards. She loves vegetables and cereal puffs. She currently does not eat her fruits which is a pain because that makes her constipated. (Sorry if that is too much information.) I think she wont eat certain things because her top teeth are coming in. She will eat about 4 6-7oz bottles a day. She laughs all the time and is a pretty happy-go-lucky baby. She likes to clap and smiles at everyone who comes to talk to her. I'm anxious to learn more about my precious little girl and the amazing spirit that came down to be a part of my world. 

Second, I am now 32 weeks pregnant and am just about done. I hate being pregnant so fast after having Lilly. It makes everything soooo difficult. I am pregnant with a little boy. We are going to name him Zackary Clayton. I love him and the fact that Heavenly Father blessed our family with another baby so quickly and I know he wouldn't have if he didn't think think that I could handle it but it is a tremendous emotional and physical toll on me. After I had Lilly I had a small case of the baby blues and I'm afraid that I could have full on post-partum depression after Zack's born. We'll see what happens. All I know is that I will need all the help, love, and support that I can get even if I seem like I don't want it. Next Wednesday Christopher, Lilly, my mother-in-law and I are going to Longview for another 3D/4D ultrasound. This time it will be so much fun! We will get to see how Zack moves in my tummy and what some of his funny habits are even before he's born. I wish that I could have had this same opportunity with Lilly, but will try to have it with my future babies as well. Zack has been such an active baby. He has been even more active than Lilly was and I think that is saying a lot. Lilly was a really active baby and would do flips and scoot her butt across my belly at all hours of the night. Zack kicks me so hard sometimes that I feel like he kicks straight out of my cervix!!! (Again sorry if that is TMI.) All in all, this pregnancy has been ok. I think I have felt more of an emotional toll than a physical one so far.

Thirdly, I feel that I am not getting all the support and help that I need or want. When I was pregnant with Lilly, Christopher would get up and do a lot more things for me. For instance, he would get up in the middle of the night to go get me a glass of water or a scoop of ice-cream if I wanted one. He would rub my back and feet whenever I wanted and not complain about it at all. This pregnancy he complains if I don't do the dishes or his laundry. He will hardly help me with Lilly when he is home from work. I don't understand. I know that he goes to work to provide for the family and that's a really good thing, but I think he feels that is all he needs to do in our family. This is just not the case with me. I feel like I got put into a situation that I can't make better until I'm not pregnant anymore. I guess you can say that I have become very disappointed with the way I get treated these days. Course I can't tell him any of this or else it will strike up another fight and he'll just chalk it up to pregnancy hormones. I think he has it in his mind that raising children and keeping a house together is a one-woman job. The church authorities have all said that it takes two to raise a child. I mean just read the Proclamation to the Family. Anyway... I hope none of my true feelings get back to Christopher because he would just yell at me for voicing my opinion to people who will support me and comfort me. That's all I want. Love and support from someone who doesn't put my emotions aside as if they were just a symptom of me being a girl. If you think about it, I have been pregnant for a longer period of time throughout our marriage than I haven't. I have been pregnant for 16 months of our marriage and we have only been married for 17 months. It's crazy when you look at it that way huh? The more and more I think about it, I think we should have waited to have kids. I NEVER will take back the wonderful children that have come into my life and love them very much but I think it would have helped Christopher and I learn more and more about each other. It seems that we fight all the time now. I am sad to say that I feel like he is more of my little brother than my significant other right now because of the way we treat each other. I'm not sure if it is because we have a hard time reading scriptures and praying together or what but I hope that we will be able to save the love we have for each other after Zack is born. Sorry that it was a lot to take in and read about. I knew that marriage wasn't supposed to be easy and I just wish I could do something about it right now. I fear that my lack of physical motivation or even ability to do anything right now is really compromising my ability to make everything ok. pheh!! Glad I got that all out. I feel better already. I don't know why I ever stopped writing! I forgot how good and open-minded it makes me feel.

Fourth, Christopher and I are trying to get our yard looking nice again. Today he and Lilly and I went to lowes and got flowers and potting soil and planted flowers in our yard to make it look nice and springy (even though it's summer)!! It was one of the nicest things Christopher has done for me this whole pregnancy.

Anyway, I have to go put Lilly to bed. More maybe tomorrow!!! Lots of Love,
Mel