The worst of times

You know the moment that comes when you think it can't get any worse, and then it does and you don't know what to do? Yeah....that has been happening a lot in the past couple of months. It is like Satan just KNOWS I am trying to be a better person and he wants to grasp at every little joy that I can experience. In fact, I know that is what he's doing. He wants to make every body miserable. I HATE that. Life has been so crazy. I became a mom of two in just a very short year and a half. I love my kids. I just wonder why Heavenly Father thought I could do this. I sometimes feel so alone. I get out sometimes but its not enough. My relationship with my husband is almost non-existent. WE cant really go on dates right now because frankly, I don't trust my mother-in-law. She is pretty much the only one that is able to watch Lilly right now but I am not letting her babysit my kids under ANY circumstance. I just cant bring myself to forgive her for what she did to me while Zack was in the NICU yet. It will probably take years. I will never have another baby if I don't have MY mom or my sisters with me because I know he/she will be born prematurely. I can't go through what I went through with Zack with just my mother-in-law again. I know that my family will support me and my decisions unconditionally whether they agree with them or not because they love me. They know that my baby is MY baby and that I am his or her mother so I get to make the decisions regarding their feedings and diaper changes and whom I choose to let hold them and that I don't have to have an explanation for it.
On a slightly different note,
I really would like to MOVE!!! I NEED to move. I LOVE my father-in-law and my brother-in-law, but I can't STAND my mother-in-law, or my sister-in-law and her good- for- nothing- husband who knocked her up to avoid going on a mission. I could go on and on about my sister-in-laws husband and family but I will save that for another horrible post when I feel like ranting about them like they are special. (I know it sounds mean, but trust me when I say that they are horrible people.) I mean my sister-in-law is not so bad. She just isn't in her right mind all the time. She was adopted when she was eight and had a lot of bad things happen to her before that so it's not her fault. She is the best she can be. She is a couple months older than me and acts like she is 13 at times. This is a reason I am hesitant when she holds my kids because even though she has a kid of her own (now 2 1/2) she doesn't really know how to take care of one. For example, my father-in-law watched Connor (my nephew) while my mother-in-law and Shauna were at some relief society retreat and he picked Connor up right before they left for the retreat and his diaper was clear down to his feet hanging by a couple of small threads. He must have peed in it five or six times!  (Right now I'll just put it simply that my mother-in-law is Connors other mother to prevent things like this happening all the time which is why I think she thinks a normal Grandparent-grandchild relationship is when she constantly has the right to see my children whenever she wants to regardless of my plans or if they are sick or taking a nap. I really do hate it when my in-laws get depressed because they don't see my kids after a week and a day. It's like they think that it's normal for them to see them everyday. And when they don't they blame it on me and have the audacity to say that I don't ever let them see them. I think EVERY SUNDAY for dinner is a lot. Especially when I don't feel well and my husband doesn't have my back or have the balls to say no to his mother once in a while. WHEW!)

 I do have a really great life. I have a house, and a car, and tv, internet, a bed and all the things my kids need. However, living paycheck to paycheck is not really ideal. We sometimes can't go grocery shopping until the next paycheck comes. This is going to NEED to change as the kids get older. I can stand not to eat three meals a day, but my kids can't. I am NOT saying we don't make enough money and I'm NOT saying that we don't have food to make because we really do. I just like to cook for other people who need it more than we do.
 I would LOVE to get a job! If Heavenly Father had not sent my sweet baby boy down to me I would be able to go back to school full time and get my degree so much faster. However, I really enjoy being a stay-at-home mom. I love watching Lilly and Zack grow. (Lilly is now 13 months and Zack will be three months tomorrow.) I know that this is the time to cherish and love because it goes by so quickly. I really want to go to school to complete at least a two year degree to become a pharmaceutical technician. I already have all of the prerequisites done and I think I would do an awesome job at it.  But for now I will keep my mouth shut about my dreams for a little bit while I do mother dream job of being a mom and I will enjoy my time at home as much as I can.

It would be a lot easier with friends and my family around. I need people to trust with out having a contingency or an obligation or feeling like I owe someone something that is clearly not mine to give or what is actually mine to keep. This is one of the major reasons why I MUST move. My husband doesn't understand. What husband does? He is perfectly content establishing ourselves in Nacogdoches, Texas till the day we die (knock on wood). I however will die inside if this happens. Okay I know that's really dramatic but I swear I will not be happy.
 Since I was nine I grew up in a small town with a local grocery store, pharmacy, and a park (that was full of druggies). I traveled 45 minutes one-way to get to any kind of civilization. I am so done being trapped. At least I feel trapped. When I move it will take no more than 10 minutes to get to the store and less than an hour to get to the temple. I will also get to make friends that wont refer to me as "Christopher's Wife" or "part of the Windham Clan". I don't mind being a Windham, but I am MELANIE (hear me roar!) I have my own thoughts and feelings and ways of thinking and doing things. I'm tired of being classified as a "weird California girl that Christopher met through some one (of coarse that's you Christiana!) at BYU-I-DO". I want to be known as the cool stay-at-home mom of two really smart, handsome/beautiful children under the age of two that cooks really good great casseroles and bakes amazing desserts, rock's the sewing machine, keeps the house nice and spotless (at least in the common areas lol.) and does really amazing crafts, and has an amazing body she got from doing Zumba classes, and is really spiritual and has a great testimony. (Those are all qualities that I am working towards. :-})  I WANT people to know me and that will be there for me, and lift me up. If your thinking, "Well, you just haven't tried Melanie." Well I HAVE! When you keep on instigating and inviting yourself to things (you first of all look really desperate) you just get TIRED. A relationship takes work from both people and if only one is picking up the slack all the time, the relationship is failed. I want to be friends with people who want to be my friend! I want people to text me and ask how I'm doing. For someone who has unlimited texting and could win at a World Texting Championship, I get about two texts a week and those are usually from my husband from the next room over asking me to make him something to eat without yelling across the house and waking up Lilly (and Zack if he isn't attached to my boob.) How sad is that?
Anyway, I feel a lot better getting some of my emotions down. I would have just talked to my sister about it but no one would answer their phone. (That's okay. I know you have a life.)

My kids are the cutest thing EVER though.

Lilly in the middle of Laughing

She was wondering what the heck I was doing

Lilly LOVES kissing her brother.

Zack gave her one back for the first time! (Glad I got that on the camera...although I think he was just hungry.)

Lilly is just sooo fascinated with Zack.

She loves kisses from anyone.

I know this picture is over-exposed, but look at those huge lips!

Lilly learned to close her eyes when I held up the camera because of the flash. (Yes I know she's a mess. It was right before I got her ready for bed and she was eating goldfish.)

Two months

Three months!

A proud daddy.

Lilly's first time in the pool! (I know it's sad that it wasn't till she was a year old but things got crazy during the past year.)

One Month

His eyes are so blue and his hair is so red!

I love how Lilly was totally being a "photo bomber".

She loves those rings. (She really loves hitting her favorite play toy.)

My Big Boy!  

Those are my kids. I really need to take a photo of me with the two of them and of our whole family. And Zack's three month photo's. (Note: PLEASE don't post these to Facebook. I don't want my mother-in-law to re-post them and take credit for them like she has been doing. Thanks. :-}

Sorry for sounding so bitter about my mother-in-law, but she really hurt me and no one will understand what it feels like.
Anyway,
That is how my life is right now. More posts to come. :-)

Baby Blues

Well, I think I really fail at writing journals and keeping a record of personal and family accomplishments. Last week I gave a lesson to my Beehives about personal record keeping and it lead me to think about everything that has happened in my life in the past two years and that I have not written down over half of the major life-changing events. I'll do my best to put down all that I can think about, but I can't promise that I will write down everything.

First of all, I did write about Lilly and her birth story but I want to write more about her and how she is getting bigger and is growing up so fast. Lilly is now about a week shy of 10 months and is 29 1/2 inches and 16.4 pounds. She has two teeth and is crawling backwards. She loves vegetables and cereal puffs. She currently does not eat her fruits which is a pain because that makes her constipated. (Sorry if that is too much information.) I think she wont eat certain things because her top teeth are coming in. She will eat about 4 6-7oz bottles a day. She laughs all the time and is a pretty happy-go-lucky baby. She likes to clap and smiles at everyone who comes to talk to her. I'm anxious to learn more about my precious little girl and the amazing spirit that came down to be a part of my world. 

Second, I am now 32 weeks pregnant and am just about done. I hate being pregnant so fast after having Lilly. It makes everything soooo difficult. I am pregnant with a little boy. We are going to name him Zackary Clayton. I love him and the fact that Heavenly Father blessed our family with another baby so quickly and I know he wouldn't have if he didn't think think that I could handle it but it is a tremendous emotional and physical toll on me. After I had Lilly I had a small case of the baby blues and I'm afraid that I could have full on post-partum depression after Zack's born. We'll see what happens. All I know is that I will need all the help, love, and support that I can get even if I seem like I don't want it. Next Wednesday Christopher, Lilly, my mother-in-law and I are going to Longview for another 3D/4D ultrasound. This time it will be so much fun! We will get to see how Zack moves in my tummy and what some of his funny habits are even before he's born. I wish that I could have had this same opportunity with Lilly, but will try to have it with my future babies as well. Zack has been such an active baby. He has been even more active than Lilly was and I think that is saying a lot. Lilly was a really active baby and would do flips and scoot her butt across my belly at all hours of the night. Zack kicks me so hard sometimes that I feel like he kicks straight out of my cervix!!! (Again sorry if that is TMI.) All in all, this pregnancy has been ok. I think I have felt more of an emotional toll than a physical one so far.

Thirdly, I feel that I am not getting all the support and help that I need or want. When I was pregnant with Lilly, Christopher would get up and do a lot more things for me. For instance, he would get up in the middle of the night to go get me a glass of water or a scoop of ice-cream if I wanted one. He would rub my back and feet whenever I wanted and not complain about it at all. This pregnancy he complains if I don't do the dishes or his laundry. He will hardly help me with Lilly when he is home from work. I don't understand. I know that he goes to work to provide for the family and that's a really good thing, but I think he feels that is all he needs to do in our family. This is just not the case with me. I feel like I got put into a situation that I can't make better until I'm not pregnant anymore. I guess you can say that I have become very disappointed with the way I get treated these days. Course I can't tell him any of this or else it will strike up another fight and he'll just chalk it up to pregnancy hormones. I think he has it in his mind that raising children and keeping a house together is a one-woman job. The church authorities have all said that it takes two to raise a child. I mean just read the Proclamation to the Family. Anyway... I hope none of my true feelings get back to Christopher because he would just yell at me for voicing my opinion to people who will support me and comfort me. That's all I want. Love and support from someone who doesn't put my emotions aside as if they were just a symptom of me being a girl. If you think about it, I have been pregnant for a longer period of time throughout our marriage than I haven't. I have been pregnant for 16 months of our marriage and we have only been married for 17 months. It's crazy when you look at it that way huh? The more and more I think about it, I think we should have waited to have kids. I NEVER will take back the wonderful children that have come into my life and love them very much but I think it would have helped Christopher and I learn more and more about each other. It seems that we fight all the time now. I am sad to say that I feel like he is more of my little brother than my significant other right now because of the way we treat each other. I'm not sure if it is because we have a hard time reading scriptures and praying together or what but I hope that we will be able to save the love we have for each other after Zack is born. Sorry that it was a lot to take in and read about. I knew that marriage wasn't supposed to be easy and I just wish I could do something about it right now. I fear that my lack of physical motivation or even ability to do anything right now is really compromising my ability to make everything ok. pheh!! Glad I got that all out. I feel better already. I don't know why I ever stopped writing! I forgot how good and open-minded it makes me feel.

Fourth, Christopher and I are trying to get our yard looking nice again. Today he and Lilly and I went to lowes and got flowers and potting soil and planted flowers in our yard to make it look nice and springy (even though it's summer)!! It was one of the nicest things Christopher has done for me this whole pregnancy.

Anyway, I have to go put Lilly to bed. More maybe tomorrow!!! Lots of Love,
Mel